possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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