Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
