So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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