remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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