I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
