Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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