Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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