Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
