her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
