I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
