direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
