if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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