I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
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