he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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