Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
