I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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