My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
