Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
