Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I am mentally ready for anal.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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