I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
