Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
