this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
