I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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