I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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