Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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