shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
sarcasm needs its own font
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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