Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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