i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
