Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
