You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
