Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
