Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
