Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
