Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
