I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
