The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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