Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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