I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
