Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
