chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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