wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
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Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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