What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
