I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
this boner is exhausting
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
