I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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