I'm gonna have a badass scar
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
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