So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
