if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
