If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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