What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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