she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
