If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
