The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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