just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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