I can text with my tongue
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he thought i was a dude.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
