you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
